Complex post-traumatic stress disorder or: Half a Life lost on it

Complex post-traumatic stress disorder – Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia:

Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) is a psychological injury that results from protracted exposure to prolonged social and/or interpersonal trauma in the context of either captivity or entrapment (a situation lacking a viable escape route for the victim), which results in the lack or loss of control, helplessness, and deformations of identity and sense of self. C-PTSD is distinct from, but similar to, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), somatization disorder, dissociative identity disorder, and borderline personality disorder.”

Whoa. It’s a humdinger – even to me, who has been living with this debilitating curse for 48 years (I’ll be 48 by January). But reading this wikipedia entry is an eye-opener! It explains so much. It actually makes total sense to me right away. I have been trying to get help with this for as long as I can think, starting at the age of some 14, 15 years of age. But – at that time, the field was just in its infant stages and had barely emerged from the medical society at large. The term C-PTSD as such didn’t even exist until 1992 – I was 27 then. What is more, there is usually a lag of some 5 years between the US and my country, until recent knowledge has made it across the Atlantic Ocean. And maybe some more years until you find the right person to talk to – provided you ever do.

I did not. Not to this day. I’ve been diagnosed and treated for almost the entire gamut of cognitive-emotional disorders and issues – to no avail and with sometimes horrifying side effects, which are likely to have spawned some comorbidities that might not have ocurred otherwise. I should sue every single one of them doctors who never had the chutzpah to dig deeper and get to the bottom of this. And today, after having needed to succumb to disability, having spent all savings on more doctors to not much more avail, after having become a ghost basically, whose socializing happens on social media sites for the most – if not all – part, I am still fighting to find a way of getting some relief, someone to help me process and ultimately, hopefully help me in restoring some modest new perspective. Technically speaking I’m basically done. Bankrupt, dependent on welfare, with just enough to save me from homelessness and famine – which I’m grateful for, don’t get me wrong! But the worst is: I can’t seem to access my potential any longer – or whatever potential I might have or others see in me. Even that door has fallen shut, it seems. So here it is – another long period of re-traumatizing helplessness, being singled out and with almost no other (comfortable…) way of connecting with the world other than by posting statusses that must read weird to many people. It’s a paradox to me that I accumulated as many as near 1,800 contacts on Facebook, some of which actually feel like real friends. I lost some along the way (in the real and online world), I unfriended others – which was probably unfair on my part in some cases. I’d totally digress, if I started talking about how social media platforms like e.g. Facebook feel to me. Suffice it to say they are a blessing and a curse alike. And here I go using the word “curse” a second time (actually a third time ;-)). Because I sometimes couldn’t help but feel cursed. If there’s God – or whatever name you wanted to give that original source of creation – and even the notorious sceptic that I am, I am slowly opening up to the idea that there has to be a Creator given the evidence and the order we see in the Universe -, if there was such a “thing” – WHAT THE HECK WAS HE “THINKING” in my particular case? By blessing me on one hand with a number of talents others have pointed out to me and then lock them up inside this mental-emotional prison that this particular condition established for me?

I think, this blog entry is from both relief and despair alike and at the same time (contradicting feelings happening at once are noooo exception at all with me…). On one hand, I finally seem to have found an indication of what professional I have to look for – and the Odyssee of figuring that one out would be a whole different story -, on the other hand – I have no clue how to get there. At some point I almost lost my health insurance, but even by getting this experience spared, I am confronted with major limitations to my health care plan, one of them being that outpatient treatment for psychological disorders isn’t covered, another one being that inpatient care is limited to 30 days per year. Wow. That’s a ratio of 1 day of inpatient care to every 1.6 years of chronic suffering. I don’t know, but that doctor better be the incredible Hulk of doctors to get something suitable done given those circumstances…

Well. After several gloomy announcements on my Facebook wall(s), I felt I should provide some real information. And depending on how things go, writing about all this is likely to become my mission in life anyways. Or not. Maybe I’ll just stay a ghost dropping a weird note or status here and there. Who knows. After such a long time of going untreated, I can’t be sure that there’s anything left to “fix” \o/

Those of you who are interested in getting a better understanding of this, there’s the wikipedia article for starters and a bunch of related articles that WordPress just suggested to me. I’ll include some at random, I haven’t checked them (yet).

update: As I believe I’m safe to say that I have experienced myself as a solution-orientied, focus-driven person, I find the third link extremely promising.

2nd update: Ok, I can already tell it provides all the tools I have been looking for forever. It sounds as if this might work for anyone who belongs into the self-started category of people.

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