I have taken quite a break from my blog. It’s been about two weeks, since I’ve left Vancouver. I have gone back to Nevada to have another desert experience or two. So I booked a motel in Boulder City, a little beyond the city limits of Las Vegas, close to Hoover Dam, Lake Mead and the Valley of Fire. Especially the latter has given me a tremendous thrill – or actually the opposite of that:
Complete peace like I’ve never experienced it before. And it is so hard for me to find or make peace with myself, but that’s a completely different story that would easily exceed the boundaries of this blog.
So anyway, after having stopped over in Los Angeles for two days on business and meeting with Hollywood director Victor Salva for a Boinx customer success story follow-up, I drove from there to Boulder City, right through Mojave National Preservation, where I had a pleasant re-encounter with the desert. I spent about a week there, visiting said Hoover Dam, Lake Mead and Valley of Fire. I then headed back to Las Vegas to meet with my colleagues at Boinx and exhibit at NAB 2007. It is Friday morning, 1.00 pm now. I’m going to check out in the morning and depart from McCarran Airport at 5.45 pm to conclude my six week trip to the U.S. and Canada, upon which I set out to investigate living conditions and potentially relocate to one of these places.
So, what’s the deal now? I have no idea. This is probably more surprising to me than to anyone else and it comes completely unexpected and as a bit of a shock. I have been researching prior to coming here, initiated the procedure of filing for permanent resident status in Canada, I have dug up tons of information during what seemed like endless weekend days and nights, I have booked flight, accommodation and rental car in advance and layed out the trip to find a balance between the research and relaxation part. And now, I’m more puzzled and undecided than ever – or so it appears.
I have no idea, how to readjust to the “life” I left behind and which I had hoped to be leaving behind for good, for it doesn’t exactly amount to that. Quite the contrary: My days and nights are filled with utmost solitude and despair, none of which I feel I can take any longer. I lack a trustworthy person in my proximity, who I can talk to when there’s need for that. I don’t go out – or barely ever, and if I do, I do it on my own and return by myself. I don’t see any point in going out in the first place, for many of the friendly and pleasant encounters I’ve had during the trip simply don’t happen and work that way in Germany. For example: It is not possible to go anywhere and just start a conversation at the bar, because people come in groups of friends and you’re either with them, that means “in”, or “out”. And if the rare case of having a conversation should indeed occur, it can’t be casual, either, but is expected to lead to something. I HATE THAT! I don’t want to play along with that any more.
On the other hand: I don’t have a clear picture of how to pull it off in Canada or the States. To be honest: I don’t know, whether I’d be able to live and survive in the States. I guess, I’m too sensitive for that country and I have seen many things, I don’t like there. I have also had experiences of the nicer kind and I think I could fit in. And Canada? Well, the weather had shocked me for one and second, it all boils down to the right job for me. There are a few perspectives, none of which makes me feel secure enough to just pack my shit and go.
So, what now? I guess, I will have to be prepared for the same solitude I had hoped to leave behind and just keep going without thinking or feeling, notoriously getting my daily and weekly agenda done, not thinking of things like “What’s it all good for?”, “Where does any of this take me?”, let alone questions like “Will I ever find new love again?” etc. etc.
I’m through with being on the road for the time being, there’s simpyl been an overload of information. But I hate to come back without a clear perspective just the same. I guess, I will drink myself to Kingdom Come on the plane tomorrow and ease the pain and fear that way. The quest for the real me – hasn’t brought me one inch closer to a clear answer…